What's in a name?

We have chosen to name our little girl Evelyn Grace. Her name was chosen in part because we simply love the name Evelyn (we call her Evie) and also because there are inherent meanings behind each that are powerful to us. We’ll start with Evelyn. If you look it up many sites will tell you a different origin and ethnicity.  To me it is obvious. Evelyn comes from the name Eve which is Hebrew. Eve, means simply “life”. Grace. I almost didn’t go with this only because it is so popular.  I don’t like popular names and we know a few girls who either claim “Grace” as a first name or a middle name and it violates our personal set of rules about picking a name that is in our circle of friends or family. She is not named after anyone. Grace is a Latin name which means “in the manifestation of favor, in the sense of gratitude, or in God’s grace”.

When I found out last November that I was pregnant and I was so excited. I had the same due date as I had for the baby that I miscarried at 11 weeks two years previously. I really believed it was God’s way of…for lack of a better wording, giving that baby back to me. So to speak, that is. When I passed the 11 week mark and had my ultrasound and saw it and saw the heart beating it was the best feeling in the world. When I passed into the 2^nd trimester I breathed a sigh of relief. And then the baby died. And to make it worse Kurt was in Afghanistan.  So I sat by myself in the ER having three ultrasounds and listening to Dr’s tell me there was no more heartbeat. My friend Robyn insisted on coming to the hospital to sit with me when she found out why I was there and my friends Jesse and Nicole graciously watched my children all day. That’s why in the military friends become family. But still, that night, I went home and put the kids to bed by myself and was alone with my thoughts and hurt. No Kurt.  I had a very hard time talking to God about it let alone anyone else. I will never understand the big, “why”. I did learn this summer that I have a blood clotting disorder called a Protein S Deficiency. Having this disorder and not treating it during pregnancy can most certainly lead to miscarriage or stillbirth. I am now giving myself shots every day in my stomach of Lovenox, which is a blood thinner.  It prevents my blood from forming clots which prohibits blood flow through the placenta and to the baby. This is a strong contender for the reason I have had 4 miscarriages. And yet I have still had three healthy children, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “why couldn’t that one have been healthy too? Why did I have to endure that terrible and suffocating experience again?”

I went through a very difficult and dark time. It is a struggle to accept the loss of a pregnancy but particularly when it is the 4^th blow and was so truly unexpected when I believed it was a gift from above.

During this pregnancy, I have at times been filled with both anxiety and trepidation.  I am still having a hard time trusting and having faith. The end of February can’t come fast enough so I can see her sweet face. I never doubted God’s existence or His love. He never said we wouldn’t experience tragedy. He just gave us the tools and know-how that He is here. I am grateful that I know about God and His love. I know He has a plan, and it isn’t always what I have planned. I have to continually pray and cast my anxieties on Him. Before I even found out I was pregnant in June I had made her a pink blanket. I made it in faith.

We are naming her Evelyn Grace. Evelyn: for the life that is growing within me, her life.   And Grace: for the grace that God showed me when I couldn’t bring myself to talk to Him. For the grace and favor He is showing us in giving us this precious gift. And, Grace, to reflect our attitude of graciousness and thankfulness we feel that she is coming to join our family.